So retired… It is forced by others.

There is a sense people want me in play still. I can’t do much. Even when I was very active it was AS A SPEAKER. I was NOT the one making deals, signing documents, moving money around. I was a baby to many big adults who got to play the games of making good and great money, as well as the risks of taking losses.

I need people to know that about me. As much as I’d love to jump in and do more like the 1970s and 80s… it actually WAS NOT MY JOB to do so. I was grabbed violently and put into the positions like a substitute. Then I was removed. I may have gotten some praise, but it was because others were going to make the big money, not me personally.

I’m actually a tired soul. My health is sketchy. I realize from this past year if I don’t have the proper daily care I can be ill even at home. I’m not a good one to call upon to step in and do much of anything. I feel Los Angeles knows this better than San Diegans and Mexico people (Tijuana as well as Mexico City gang members). At some point, a human being is too used up, too soft, too disabled, too disconnected to get things done for good friends and strangers. I’m more retired than I planned on. Others knew me better than I knew myself. I am grateful people did have a plan for me to be done and just at home.

A long time ago I was told that if I can’t speak Mexican, I won’t be allowed to be a public speaker. I never did pick up the Spanish/Mexican language or any others than English. Appears this is what people chose. It means I cannot step up ever again in front of a large group of people even in my own country and just speak my mind about the topic of the day. If that was my gift in my youth to speak to people… it is something very retired about me. I have not been a noted speaker in public places a very long time. I’ve been very dead to this activity. Bigger people have had the platforms, panels, head of table, the floor, the attention. I do not have it at all. Honestly, I’ve even been upstaged at fast food places! –Gang members have walked in and simply spoken louder and more than I did, stood closer to the counter, and stood prouder. I don’t mind they do. I have noticed this phenomenon. Sometimes they walked faster than me into a store and demanded the attention of employees so much I ended up walking out again…not just for fast food.

I’m okay being retired. I honestly didn’t understand what people wanted all these decades. Mostly I’ve just been me and not looking for opportunities to speak out or look important. Sometimes I just wanted to look good for my own spirit and self image, not to impress others. I must say it again that I am NOT TRYING TO COMPETE WITH ANYONE. Please don’t think I am. I’m mostly a home body who is unaware of what others truly think.