I appear to have been very SOLD OUT. That is what happened. I guess there was not enough arrangement for people to know WHEN I WAS JUST VISITING. I was confused as some of the crazy that went on. I had in my mind, “Just going along with things.” As asked by gang members a long time ago so I tried to. I feel it helped so, “Why not?” However… it may have painted me as someone very different than I should have been. I am not even certain who or what now. I’ve been very dead a long time. It means people had no need to transact with me and I was NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE ANY DEALS.
My feeling is the gang leaders made me personally VERY DEAD just so they could be certain their own people, false surrogates and others… were working and making the money involved. I am certain there was a large people matrix and I actually was NOT NEEDED within what they have and have had.
People did play with me, it just got out of hand too much.
Some people may have committed me to show up a short time, and I got stuck too long. I had no way to exit quickly. These were the times I was kidnapped to L.A. and did not drive there under my own power. Yeah, even in adulthood I visited and stuck around WITHOUT A CAR or MONEY. I did phase away and much later some boys had made deals for me to hang out. Honestly, it may have made people look better to finally include me in person for a while in a polite way. It did keep me out of trouble just to be social and spend time with people. I actually could not do much for others. Deals appeared very solid and pre-planned years, even decades in advance. I was not in the planning so I was a “walking dummy”.
Honestly, some of the boyz knew I was okay with location scouting and they used me for that purpose. It was so much easier to have me involved that way than on actual movie sets or television sound stages. It got too sketchy though at times because I didn’t know enough people. I really am sorry it got stupid at times because I didn’t know who was who. If I had met people long before, I had very real amnesia. I was not trying to make people look foolish. AND IT WAS EMBARRASSING that I had not enough money to get myself around properly. Someone must have planned it that way: Make me look stupid and “poor artist”. I looked drugged and not pulled together at all. That was a combination of many reasons that happened.
I have been a functional “poor artist” most of my life.
What made it worse is I was also a sick child. Very often I had some form of injury or illness that was absolutely draining my energy, or I had so little.
It is why people avoided me and that was necessary. Please don’t feel bad that I don’t know you… or you… or you… well, a lot of people. It was not necessary. I honestly did my thing for people a very long time ago and others paid in or were threatened to take my place in places. For jobs, careers, short gigs, even parties and sitting in the audience… all my potential seats and standing spots were spoken for years before I could show up.
^… This must not have been thought about or spoken of enough. It could be why sometimes I was walked into a party and out again. There actually was NO DRINK, NO SEAT or standing spot with others for me personally.