Tag: unemployed

I’m Still in the Wilderness and Not Healthy

Writing this out I feel like I’m “belly aching”! Please don’t feel you need to read this. It’s for those who are actually concerned and/or responsible for my life.

I’m not connected well anywhere these days. Many of my connections of the past have retired and passed on. They were adults when I was a youth. I have not moved up into a real in person leadership role anywhere. Others have known me better than I knew and know myself. Collectively, we know I’m not healthy and strong. If you have seen me being strong and assertive in person it was only a temporary thing. Most of the time I’ve gone home and napped, even took days to recover from doing too much with my very imperfect body.

I’ve tried my best to help my body, it just isn’t something that is going to be strong and healthy. I’m lucky to have a few hours to a day or two without having to pay for it with extended rest and recovery. There are 70+ year olds who are in better physical health than me. They walk, jog, ride bikes, chat for hours with others. They look more alive than me. Age is not always a good marker for someone’s health and abilities. Fortunately, many know I generally have given respect to elders. Elders had decided long ago I should not become famous and important. It is likely due to my body’s weak core. I would not be able to be active and contributing daily and hourly of my mind and body which is required for work places, even the gentle ones.

A lot younger I insisted on strengthening my body and tried to be athletic and keeping moving, be strong. I honestly was even doing better a few years ago. The gall bladder removal about a year ago may be playing on me more than I realized. I am weaker, feeling a general illness daily even sitting around at home. Trying to stay alive even at home I am doing house chores like cleaning and cooking. It really is tiring me out though and I have to nap or just lay down for a couple of hours. It is making me feel old. Thankfully I do pep up and recharge enough to remind me I am a useful person.

It’s almost 8pm right now. Since 8am I helped get the small Thanksgiving meal together today and ate some also! Also I stood up and did a lot of the dish washing also. I’m laying in bed right now, not feeling good. Inspired to write this out.

If I were better connected, I’d be on the phone wishing people Happy Thanksgiving and also letting them know I’m not well. I’m so much in the wilderness not one person emails with me to chat about anything. They may know how dead I am to work force people and that I am actually ill. They are not saying it, not talking about me because they are concerned about their own work and the people they know better. Yes! It really is this way. I can’t remember when even a fake relative gave me a phone call or email to wish me better health.

I have a court date coming up. It’s way up in L.A. over 110mi from where I am sitting. I’m going to attempt to drive up there for it and pray my health holds up enough to get me through the day and back home again. Actually kind of scared of the system these days. I am worried that L.A. people are still trying to bind me to their city and the works I was only connected to by faint vapor. I can’t be a full time resident in a home or in their county facilities.

I’ve honestly tried to be what people needed of me all these decades. It wasn’t clear because different groups and individuals had different needs. Just don’t have the kind of wealth and health work place people have. Please note… some tough mafia people sized me up in the 1970s. They didn’t want me because I wasn’t wealthy enough even as a child. They also didn’t like the idea of me participating in person with mafia people because I was clearly weak and weakened by gang members already.

In my life definitely people saw to it I got health care, but not always. Some have left me very imperfect to REMIND the gang-bangers to leave me alone. I’m already “dead meat”. Again I was labeled “sea hag” which means mafia gave me a very difficult, tough path. I cannot leap off that life work and path and be a funding support person now. People who can fund others have a very good income, usually with or from decades of work place related earnings. Being a sea hag… I was kept from work places and normal work. Still contributed my life and spirit.

In essence and bold reality.. I appear to have been RETIRED from being a sea hag. If you don’t know what those are, you need to ask people who do know. They are NOT money handlers, pay pals, or funding partners for instance.

If you are a gang member from San Diego: If I was on the same team as “Steven H.” a long time ago, I was not a cash and carry person. I was just a baby in the mix.

So retired… It is forced by others.

There is a sense people want me in play still. I can’t do much. Even when I was very active it was AS A SPEAKER. I was NOT the one making deals, signing documents, moving money around. I was a baby to many big adults who got to play the games of making good and great money, as well as the risks of taking losses.

I need people to know that about me. As much as I’d love to jump in and do more like the 1970s and 80s… it actually WAS NOT MY JOB to do so. I was grabbed violently and put into the positions like a substitute. Then I was removed. I may have gotten some praise, but it was because others were going to make the big money, not me personally.

I’m actually a tired soul. My health is sketchy. I realize from this past year if I don’t have the proper daily care I can be ill even at home. I’m not a good one to call upon to step in and do much of anything. I feel Los Angeles knows this better than San Diegans and Mexico people (Tijuana as well as Mexico City gang members). At some point, a human being is too used up, too soft, too disabled, too disconnected to get things done for good friends and strangers. I’m more retired than I planned on. Others knew me better than I knew myself. I am grateful people did have a plan for me to be done and just at home.

A long time ago I was told that if I can’t speak Mexican, I won’t be allowed to be a public speaker. I never did pick up the Spanish/Mexican language or any others than English. Appears this is what people chose. It means I cannot step up ever again in front of a large group of people even in my own country and just speak my mind about the topic of the day. If that was my gift in my youth to speak to people… it is something very retired about me. I have not been a noted speaker in public places a very long time. I’ve been very dead to this activity. Bigger people have had the platforms, panels, head of table, the floor, the attention. I do not have it at all. Honestly, I’ve even been upstaged at fast food places! –Gang members have walked in and simply spoken louder and more than I did, stood closer to the counter, and stood prouder. I don’t mind they do. I have noticed this phenomenon. Sometimes they walked faster than me into a store and demanded the attention of employees so much I ended up walking out again…not just for fast food.

I’m okay being retired. I honestly didn’t understand what people wanted all these decades. Mostly I’ve just been me and not looking for opportunities to speak out or look important. Sometimes I just wanted to look good for my own spirit and self image, not to impress others. I must say it again that I am NOT TRYING TO COMPETE WITH ANYONE. Please don’t think I am. I’m mostly a home body who is unaware of what others truly think.